Eunuchus; or, The Eunuch

Don’t let Thais suffer any violence to be done to him. But why don’t I go in myself?

Take care, Parmeno, what you are about, lest you both do him no good and come to harm yourself; for it is their notion,

that whatever has happened, has originated in you.

What then, wretch that I am, shall I do, or how resolve? But look, I see the old gentleman returning from the country; shall I tell him or shall I not? By my troth, I will tell him; although I am certain that a heavy punishment is in readiness for me; but it’s a matter of necessity, in order that he may rescue him.

You are wise. I’m going in-doors; do you relate to him every thing exactly as it happened.

I have this advantage from my country-house being so near at hand; no weariness, either of country or of town, ever takes possession of me; when satiety begins to come on, I change my locality. But is not that our Parmeno? Surely it is he. Whom are you waiting for, Parmeno, before the door here?

Who is it (Turning round.) Oh, I’m glad that you have returned safe.

Whom are you waiting for?

I’m undone: my tongue cleaves to my mouth through fright.

Why, what is it you are trembling about? Is all quite right? Tell me.

Master, in the first place, I would have you persuaded of what is the fact; whatever has happened in this affair has happened through no fault of mine.

What is it?

Really you have reason to ask. I ought first to have told you the circumstances. Phaedria purchased a certain Eunuch, to make a present of to this woman here.

To what woman?

To Thais.

Bought? Good heavens, I’m undone! For how much?

Twenty minae.

Done for, quite.

Then, Chaerea is in love with a certain music-girl here.

How! What? In love? Does he know already what a courtesan means? Is he come to town? One misfortune close upon another.

Master, don’t look so at me; he didn’t do these things by my encouragement.

Leave off talking about yourself. If I live, you hang-dog, I’ll— But first give me an account of it, whatever it is.

He was taken to the house of Thais in place of the Eunuch.

In place of the Eunuch?

Such is the fact. They have since apprehended him in the house as a ravisher, and bound him.

Death!

Mark the assurance of courtesans.

Is there any other calamity or misfortune besides, that you have not told me of?

That’s all.

Do I delay rushing in here?

There’s no doubt but that I shall have a heavy punishment for this affair, only that I was obliged to act thus. I’m glad of this, that some mischief will befall these women here through my agency, for the old man has, for a long time, been on the look-out for some occasion

to do them a bad turn; at last he has found it.

Never, upon my faith, for a long time past, has any thing happened to me that I could have better liked to happen, than the old gentleman just now, full of his mistake, coming into our house. I had the joke all to myself, as I knew what it was he feared.

Why, what’s all this?

Now I’m come out to meet with Parmeno.

But, prithee, where is he?

She’s looking for me.

And there he is, I see; I’ll go up to him.

What’s the matter, simpleton? What do you mean? What are you laughing about? Still going on?

I’m dying; I’m wretchedly tired with laughing at you.

Why so?

Do you ask? Upon my faith, I never did see, nor shall see, a more silly fellow. Oh dear, I can not well express what amusement you’ve afforded in-doors.

And still I formerly took you to be a clever and shrewd person. Why, was there any need for you instantly to believe what I told you? Or were you not content with the crime, which by your advice the young man had been guilty of, without betraying the poor fellow to his father as well?

Why, what do you suppose his feelings must have been at the moment when his father saw him clothed in that dress? Well, do you now understand that you are done for?

Hah! what is it you say, you hussy? Have you been telling me lies? What, laughing still? Does it appear so delightful to you, you jade, to be making fools of us?

Very much so.

Yes, indeed, if you can do it with impunity.

Exactly so.

By heavens, I’ll repay you!

I believe you; but, perhaps, that which you are threatening, Parmeno, will need a future day;

you’ll be trussed up directly, for rendering a silly young man remarkable for disgraceful conduct, and then betraying him to his father; they’ll both be making an example of you.

I’m done for!

This reward has been found you in return for that present of yours; I’m off.

Wretch that I am; just like a rat, this day I’ve come to destruction through betrayal of myself.

Well now? With what hope, or what design, are we come hither? What do you intend to do, Thraso?

What, I? To surrender myself to Thais, and do what she bids me.

What is it you say?

Why any the less so, than Hercules served Omphale.

The precedent pleases me. (Aside.) I only wish I may see your head stroked down with a slipper; but her door makes a noise.

Confusion! Why, what mischiefsthis? I never saw this person before; why, I wonder, is he rushing out in such a hurry?

O fellow-townsmen, is there any one alive more fortunate than me this day? Not any one, upon my faith: for clearly in me have the Gods manifested all their power, on whom, thus suddenly, so many blessings are bestowed.

Why is he thus overjoyed?

O my dear Parmeno, the contriver, the beginner, the perfecter of all my delights, do you know what are my transports?

Are you aware that my Pamphila has been discovered to be a citizen?

I have heard so.

Do you know that she is betrothed to me?

So may the Gods bless me, happily done.

Do you hear what he says?

And then, besides, I am delighted that my brother’s mistress is secured to him; the family is united. Thais has committed herself to the patronage of my father; she has put herself under our care and protection.

Thais, then, is wholly your brother’s.

Of course.

Then this is another reason for us to rejoice, that the Captain will be beaten out of doors.

Wherever my brother is, do you take care that he hears this as soon as possible.

I’ll go look for him at home.

Do you at all doubt, Gnatho, but that I am now ruined everlastingly?

Without doubt, I do think so.

What am I to make mention of first, or commend in especial? Him who gave me the advice to do so, or myself, who ventured

to undertake it? Or ought I to extol fortune, who has been my guide, and has so opportunely crowded into a single day events so numerous, so important; or my father’s kindness and indulgence Oh Jupiter, I entreat you, do preserve these blessings unto us!

Ye Gods, by our trust in you, what incredible things has Parmeno just related to me! But where is my brother?

Here he is.

I’m overjoyed.

I quite believe you. There is no one, brother, more worthy to be loved than this Thais of yours: so much is she a benefactress to all our family.

Whew! are you commending her too to me?

I’m undone; the less the hope I have, the more I am in love. Prithee, Gnatho, my hope is in you.

What do you wish me to do?

Bring this about, by entreaties or with money, that I may at least share Thais’s favors in some degree.

It’s a hard task.

If you set your mind on any thing, I know you well. If you manage this, ask me for any present you like as your reward; you shall have what you ask.

Is it so?

It shall be so.

If I manage this, I ask that your house, whether you are present or absent, may be open to me; that, without invitation, there may always be a place for me.

I pledge my honor that it shall be so.

I’ll set about it then.

Who is it I hear so close at hand? (Turning round.) O Thraso—

Save you both—

Perhaps you are not aware what has taken place here.

I am quite aware.

Why, then, do I see you in this neighborhood?

Depending on your kindness.

Do you know what sort of dependence you have? Captain, I give you notice, if ever I catch you in this street again, even if you should say to me, I was looking for another person, I was on my road this way, you are undone.