Clouds

Perseus Greek · Perseus Greek · 715 sections

380b
Vortex? It had escaped my notice that Jupiter did not exist, and that Vortex now reigned in his stead. But you have taught me nothing as yet concerning the clap and the thunder.
383
Have you not heard me, that I said that the Clouds, when full of moisture, dash against each other and clap by reason of their density?
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Come, how am I to believe this?
385b
I’ll teach you from your own case. Were you ever, after being stuffed with broth at the Panathenaic festival, then disturbed in your belly, and did a tumult suddenly rumble through it?
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Yes, by Apollo! And immediately the little broth plays the mischief with me, and is disturbed and rumbles like thunder, and grumbles dreadfully:
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at first gently pappax, pappax; and then it adds papa-pappax; and finally, it thunders downright papapappax, as they do.
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Consider, therefore, how you have trumpeted from a little belly so small; and how is it not probable that this air, being boundless, should thunder so loudly?
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For this reason, therefore, the two names also Trump and Thunder, are similar to each other. But teach me this, whence comes the thunderbolt blazing with fire, and burns us to ashes when it smites us, and singes those who survive. For indeed Jupiter evidently hurls this at the perjured.
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Why, how then, you foolish person, and savouring of the dark ages and antediluvian, if his manner is to smite the perjured, does he not blast Simon,
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and Cleonymus, and Theorus? And yet they are very perjured. But he smites his own temple, and Sunium the promontory of Athens, and the tall oaks. Wherefore, for indeed an oak does not commit perjury.
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I do not know; but you seem to speak well. For what, pray, is the thunderbolt?
404
When a dry wind, having been raised aloft, is inclosed in these Clouds, it inflates them within, like a bladder; and then, of necessity, having burst them, it rushes out with vehemence by reason of its density, setting fire to itself through its rushing and impetuosity.
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By Jupiter, of a truth I once experienced this exactly at the Diasian festival! I was roasting a haggis for my kinsfolk, and through neglect I did not cut it open; but it became inflated and then suddenly bursting, befouled my eyes and burned my face.
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O mortal, who hast desired great wisdom from us! How happy will you become among the Athenians and among the Greeks, if you be possessed of a good memory, and be a deep thinker, and endurance of labour be implanted
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in your soul, and you be not wearied either by standing or walking, nor be exceedingly vexed at shivering with cold, nor long to break your fast, and you refrain from wine, and gymnastics, and the other follies, and consider this the highest excellence, as is proper a clever man should, to conquer by action and counsel, and by battling with your tongue.
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As far as regards a sturdy spirit, and care that makes one’s bed uneasy, and a frugal spirit and hard-living and savory-eating belly, be of good courage and don’t trouble yourself; I would offer myself to hammer on, for that matter.
423
Will you not, pray, now believe in no god, except what we believe in--this Chaos, and the Clouds, and the Tongue--these three?
425
Absolutely I would not even converse with the others, not even if I met them; nor would I sacrifice to them, nor make libations, nor offer frankincense.
427
Tell us then boldly, what we must do for you? For you shall not fail in getting it, if you honour and admire us, and seek to become clever.
429
O mistresses, I request of you then this very small favour, that I be the best of the Greeks in speaking by a hundred stadia.
431
Well, you shall have this from us, so that hence-forward from this time no one shall get more opinions passed in the public assemblies than you.
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Grant me not to deliver important opinions; for I do not desire these, but only to pervert the right for my own advantage, and to evade my creditors.
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Then you shall obtain what you desire; for you do not covet great things. But commit yourself without fear to our ministers.
437
I will do so in reliance upon you, for necessity oppresses me, on account of the blood-horses, and the marriage that ruined me. Now, therefore, let them use me as they please.
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I give up this body to them to be beaten, to be hungered, to be troubled with thirst, to be squalid, to shiver with cold, to flay into a leathern bottle,
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if I shall escape clear from my debts, and appear to men to be bold, glib of tongue, audacious, impudent, shameless, a fabricator of falsehoods, inventive of words, a practiced knave in lawsuits, a law-tablet, a thorough rattle, a fox, a sharper, a slippery knave, a dissembler, a slippery fellow, an impostor,
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a gallows-bird, a blackguard, a twister, a troublesome fellow, a licker-up of hashes. If they call me this, when they meet me, let them do to me absolutely what they please. And if they like,
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by Ceres, let them serve up a sausage out of me to the deep thinkers.
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This man has a spirit not void of courage, but prompt. Know, that if you learn these matters from me, you will possess among mortals a glory as high as heaven.
461
What shall I experience?
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You shall pass with me the most enviable of mortal lives the whole time.
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Shall I then ever see this?
467b
Yea, so that many be always seated at your gates, wishing to communicate with you and come to a conference with you, to consult with you as to actions and affidavits of many talents, as is worthy of your abilities.
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But attempt to teach the old man by degrees whatever you purpose, and scrutinize his intellect, and make trial of his mind.
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Come now, tell me your own turn of mind; in order that, when I know of what sort it is, I may now, after this, apply to you new engines.
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What? By the gods, do you purpose to besiege me?
482
No; I wish to briefly learn from you if you are possessed of a good memory.
483b
In two ways, by Jove! If anything be owing to me, I have a very good memory; but if I owe unhappy man, I am very forgetful.
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Is the power of speaking, pray, implanted in your nature?
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Speaking is not in me, but cheating is.
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How, then, will you be able to learn?
488b
Excellently, of course.
489
Come, then, take care that, whenever I propound any clever dogma about abstruse matters, you catch it up immediately.
491
What then? Am I to feed upon wisdom like a dog?
492
This man is ignorant and brutish--I fear, old man, lest you will need blows. Come, let me see; what do you do if any one beat you?
494b
I take the beating; and then, when I have waited a little while, I call witnesses to prove it; then again, after a short interval, I go to law.
497
Come, then, lay down your cloak.
497b
Have I done any wrong?
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No; but it is the rule to enter naked.
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But I do not enter to search for stolen goods.
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Lay it down. Why do you talk nonsense?
500b
Now tell me this, pray.
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If I be diligent and learn zealously, to which of your disciples shall I become like?
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You will no way differ from Chaerephon in intellect.
504
Ah me, unhappy! I shall become half-dead.
505
Don’t chatter; but quickly follow me hither with smartness.
506b
Then give me first into my hands a honeyed cake; for I am afraid of descending within, as if into the cave of Trophonius.
509
Proceed; why do you keep poking about the door?
510
Well, go in peace, for the sake of this your valour. May prosperity attend the man, because, being advanced into the vale of years,
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he imbues his intellect with modern subjects, and cultivates wisdom!
518
Spectators, I will freely declare to you the truth, by Bacchus, who nurtured me!
520
So may I conquer, and be accounted skillful, as that, deeming you to be clever spectators, and this to be the cleverest of my comedies, I thought proper to let you first taste that comedy, which gave me the greatest labour. And then I retired from the contest defeated by vulgar fellows,
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though I did not deserve it. These things, therefore, I object to you, a learned audience, for whose sake I was expending this labour. But not even thus will I ever willingly desert the discerning portion of you. For since what time my Modest Man and my Rake were very highly praised here by an audience, with whom it is a pleasure even to hold converse, and I (for I was still a virgin, and it was not lawful for me as yet to have children)
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exposed my offspring, and another girl took it up, and owned it, and you generously reared and educated it, from this time I have had sure pledges of your good will toward me. Now, therefore, like that well-known Electra, has this comedy come seeking,
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if haply it meet with an audience so clever, for it will recognize, if it should see, the lock of its brother. But see how modest she is by nature, who, in the first place, has come, having stitched to her no leathern phallus hanging down, red at the top, and thick, to set the boys a laughing;
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nor yet jeered the bald-headed, nor danced the cordax; nor does the old man who speaks the verses beat the person near him with his staff, keeping out of sight wretched ribaldry; nor has she rushed in with torches, nor does she shout iou, iou; but has come relying on herself and her verses.
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And I, although so excellent a poet, do not give myself airs, nor do I seek to deceive you by twice and thrice bringing forward the same pieces; but I am always clever at introducing new fashions, not at all resembling each other, and all of them clever; who struck Cleon in the belly when at the height of his power,
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and could not bear to attack him afterward when he was down. But these scribblers, when once Hyperbolus has given them a handle, keep ever trampling on this wretched man and his mother. Eupolis, indeed, first of all craftily introduced his Maricas, having basely, base fellow, spoiled by altering my play of the Knights,
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having added to it, for the sake of the cordax, a drunken old woman, whom Phrynichus long ago poetized, whom the whale was for devouring. Then again Hermippus made verses on Hyperbolus; and now all others press hard upon Hyperbolus, imitating my simile of the eels.
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Whoever, therefore, laughs at these, let him not take pleasure in my attempts; but if you are delighted with me and my inventions, in times to come you will seem to be wise.
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I first invoke, to join our choral band, the mighty Jupiter, ruling on high,
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the monarch of gods; and the potent master of the trident, the fierce upheaver of earth and briny sea; and our father of great renown,
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most august Aether, life-supporter of all; and the horse-guider, who fills the plain of the earth with exceeding bright beams, a mighty deity among gods and mortals.
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Most clever spectators, come, give us your attention; for having been injured, we blame you to your faces. For though we benefit the state most of all the gods, to us alone of the deities you do not offer sacrifice nor yet pour libations, who watch over you. For if there should be any expedition
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without prudence, then we either thunder or drizzle small rain. And then, when you were for choosing as your general the Paphlagonian tanner, hateful to the gods, we contracted our brows and were enraged; and thunder burst through the lightning; and the Moon forsook her usual paths; and the Sun
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immediately drew in his wick to himself, and declared he would not give you light, if Cleon should be your general. Nevertheless you chose him. For they say that ill counsel is in this city; that the gods, however, turn all these your mismanagements to a prosperous issue.
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And how this also shall be advantageous, we will easily teach you. If you should convict the cormorant Cleon of bribery and embezzlement, and then make fast his neck in the stocks, the affair will turn out for the state to the ancient form again, if you have mismanaged in any way, and to a prosperous issue.
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Hear me again, King Phoebus, Delian Apollo, who inhabitest the high-peaked Cynthian rock! And thou, blessed goddess, who inhabitest the all-golden house of Ephesus,
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in which Lydian damsels greatly reverence thee; and thou, our national goddess, swayer of the aegis, Minerva, guardian of the city! And thou, reveler Bacchus, who, inhabiting the Parnassian rock, sparklest with torches,
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conspicuous among the Delphic Bacchanals!
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When we had got ready to set out hither, the Moon met us, and commanded us first to greet the Athenians and their allies;
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and then declared that she was angry, for that she had suffered dreadful things, though she benefits you all, not in words, but openly. In the first place, not less than a drachma every month for torches; so that also all, when they went out of an evening, were wont to say, Boy, don’t buy a torch, for the moonlight is beautiful.
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And she says she confers other benefits on you, but that you do not observe the days at all correctly, but confuse them up and down; so that she says the gods are constantly threatening her, when they are defrauded of their dinner, and depart home, not having met with the regular feast according to the number of the days.
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And then, when you ought to be sacrificing, you are inflicting tortures and litigating. And often, while we gods are observing a fast, when we mourn for Memnon or Sarpedon, you are pouring libations and laughing. For which reason Hyperbolus, having obtained the lot this year to be Hieromnemon, was afterward deprived by us gods
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of his crown; for thus he will know better that he ought to spend the days of his life according to the Moon.
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Now meditate and examine closely; and roll yourself about in every way, having wrapped yourself up; and quickly, when you fall into a difficulty, spring to another
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mental contrivance. But let delightful sleep be absent from your eyes.
707
Attatai! Attatai!
708
What ails you? Why are you distressed?
709
Wretched man, I am perishing! The Corinthians, coming out from the bed, are biting me, and devouring my sides, and drinking up my life-blood, and tearing away my flesh, and digging through my vitals, and will annihilate me.
716
Do not now be very grievously distressed.
717
Why, how, when my money is gone, my complexion gone, my life gone, and my slipper gone?
720
And furthermore in addition to these evils, with singing the night-watches, I am almost gone myself.
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Ho you! What are you about? Are you not meditating?
723b
I? Yea, by Neptune!
724b
And what, pray, have you thought?
725
Whether any bit of me will be left by the bugs.
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You will perish most wretchedly.
726b
But, my good friend, I have already perished.
727
You must not give in, but must wrap yourself up; for you have to discover a device for abstracting, and a means of cheating.

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