Heautontimorumenos; or, The Self-Tormenter

but this assistant, prompter, and director of mine, Chremes, outdoes me in that. Any one of those epithets which are applied to a fool is suited to myself, such as dolt, post, ass, lump of lead; to him not one can apply; his stupidity surpasses them all.

Hold now, do, wife, leave off dinning the Gods with thanksgivings

that your daughter has been discovered; unless you judge of them by your own disposition, and think that they understand nothing, unless the same thing has been told them a hundred times. But, in the mean time, why does my son linger there so long with Syrus?

What persons do you say are lingering?

Ha! Menedemus, you have come opportunely. Tell me, have you told Clinia what I said?

Every thing.

What did he say?

He began to rejoice, just like people do who wish to be married.

Ha! ha! ha!

Why are you laughing?

The sly tricks of my servant, Syrus, just came into my mind.

Did they?

The rogue can even mould the countenances of people.

That my son is pretending that he is overjoyed, is it that you mean?

Just so.

The very same thing came into my mind.

A crafty knave!

Still more would you think such to be the fact, if you knew more.

Do you say so?

Do you give attention then?

Just stop—first I want to know this, what money you have squandered; for when you told your son that she was promised, of course Dromo would at once throw in a word that golden jewels, clothes, and attendants would be needed for the bride, in order that you might give the money.

No.

How, no?

No, I tell you.

Nor yet your son himself?

Not in the slightest, Chremes.

He was only the more pressing on this one point, that the match might be concluded to-day.

You say what’s surprising. What did my servant Syrus do? Didn’t even he say any thing?

Nothing at all.

For what reason, I don’t know.

For my part, I wonder at that, when you know other things so well. But this same Syrus has moulded your son, too, to such perfection, that there could not be even the slightest suspicion that she is Clinia’s mistress!

What do you say?

Not to mention, then, their kissing and embracing; that I count nothing.

What more could be done to carry on the cheat?

Pshaw!

What do you mean?

Only listen. In the inner part of my house there is a certain room at the back; into this a bed was brought, and was made up with bed-clothes.

What took place after this?

No sooner said than done, thither went Clitipho.

Alone?

Alone.

I’m alarmed.

Bacchis followed directly.

Alone?

Alone.

I’m undone!

When they had gone into the room, they shut the door.

Well—did Clinia see all this going on?

How shouldn’t he? He was with me.

Bacchis is my son’s mistress, Menedemus I’m undone.

Why so?

I have hardly substance to suffice for ten days.

What! are you alarmed at it, because he is paying attention to his friend?

His she-friend rather.

If he really is paying it.

Is it a matter of doubt to you? Do you suppose that there is any person of so accommodating and tame a spirit as to suffer his own mistress, himself looking on, to—

Why not? That I may be imposed upon the more easily.

Do you laugh at me? You have good reason. How angry I now am with myself! How many things gave proof, whereby, had I not been a stone, I might have been fully sensible of this? What was it I saw? Alas! wretch that I am! But assuredly they shall not escape my vengeance if I live; for this instant—

Can you not contain yourself? Have you no respect for yourself?

Am I not a sufficient example to you?

For very anger, Menedemus, I am not myself.

For you to talk in that manner! Is it not a shame for you to be giving advice to others, to show wisdom abroad and yet be able to do nothing for yourself?

What shall I do?

That which you said I failed to do:

make him sensible that you are his father; make him venture to intrust every thing to you, to seek and to ask of you; so that he may look for no other resources and forsake you.

Nay, I had much rather he would go any where in the world, than by his debaucheries here reduce his father to beggary!

For if I go on supplying his extravagance, Menedemus, in that case my circumstances will undoubtedly be soon reduced to the level of your rake.

What evils you will bring upon yourself in this affair, if you don’t act with caution! You’ll show yourself severe, and still pardon him at last; that too with an ill grace.

Ah! you don’t know how vexed I am.

Just as you please.

What about that which I desire—that she may be married to my son? Unless there is any other step that you would prefer.

On the contrary, both the son-in-law and the connection are to my taste.

What portion shall I say that you have named for your daughter? Why are you silent?

Portion?

I say so.

Alas!

Chremes, don’t be at all afraid to speak, if it is but a small one. The portion is no consideration at all with us.

I did think that two talents were sufficient, according to my means. But if you wish me to be saved, and my estate and my son, you must say to this effect, that I have settled all my property on her as her portion.

What scheme are you upon?

Pretend that you wonder at this, and at the same time ask him the reason why I do so.

Why, really, I can’t conceive the reason for your doing so.

Why do I do so? To check his feelings, which are now hurried away by luxury and wantonness, and to bring him down so as not to know which way to turn himself.

What is your design?

Let me alone, and give me leave to have my own way in this matter.

I do give you leave: is this your desire?

It is so.

Then be it so.

And now let your son prepare to fetch the bride. The other one shall be schooled in such language as befits children. But Syrus—

What of him?

What? If I live, I will have him so handsomely dressed, so well combed out, that he shall always remember me as long as he lives; to imagine that I’m to be a laughing-stock and a plaything for him! So may the Gods bless me! he would not have dared to do to a widow-woman the things which he has done to me.

Prithee, is it really the fact, Menedemus, that my father can,

in so short a space of time, have cast off all the natural affection of a parent for me? For what crime? What so great enormity have I, to my misfortune, committed? Young men generally do the same.

I am aware that this must be much more harsh and severe to you, on whom it falls; but yet I take it no less amiss than you. How it is so I know not, nor can I account for it, except that from my heart I wish you well.

Did not you say that my father was waiting here?

See, here he is.

Why are you blaming me, Clitipho? Whatever I have done in this matter, I had a view to you and your imprudence. When I saw that you were of a careless disposition, and held the pleasures of the moment of the first importance, and did not look forward to the future, I took measures that you might neither want nor be able to waste this which I have.

When, through your own conduct, it was not allowed me to give it you, to whom I ought before all, I had recourse to those who were your nearest relations; to them I have made over and intrusted every thing. There you’ll always find a refuge for your folly; food, clothing, and a roof under which to betake yourself.

Ah me!

It is better than that, you being my heir, Bacchis should possess this estate of mine.

I’m ruined irrevocably!—Of what mischief have I, wretch that I am, unthinkingly been the cause?