Asinaria, or The Ass-Dealer

Perseus Latin · Perseus Latin · 707 sections

1.3.173
You treat me badly.
1.3.173b
Why do you blame me if I do my duty? For nowhere is it either feigned in story or represented in pictures or written in poems,
1.3.175
where a procuress, who wishes to thrive, treats any lover well.
1.3.176
Still, ’twere right for you to show favour to me at least, that I might last the longer for you.
1.3.177
Don’t you know, the woman that shows favour to a lover, that same woman shows little favour to herself? Just like a fish, so is a lover to a procuress; he’s good for nothing if he isn’t fresh. Then it has juice, then it has sweetness; in any fashion you like you may season it,
1.3.180
either stewed or roasted; ill any way you will, you may turn it. So the lover; he’s ready to give, he longs for something to be asked of him, for there it’s taken from a full stock, nor does he know what he’s giving, or what mischief he’s doing. Of this matter does the new lover think; he wishes himself to please his mistress, he wishes to please me, he wishes to please her lady’s maid, he wishes to please the men-servants, he wishes to please the maid-servants as well, and even my dog
1.3.185
does he caress, that when it sees him, it may be delighted. I tell the truth; it shows cleverness for every person to be fair-dealing for his own advantage.
1.3.187
I’ve thoroughly learned that this is true, to my own great misfortune.
1.3.188
I’ faith, if you now had anything to give, you’d be uttering different remarks; now, since you’ve got nothing, you expect to be having her by means of harsh language.
1.3.190
’Tis not my way.
1.3.190b
Nor yet mine, indeed, i’ faith, to be sending her to you for nothing; but this shall be done out of regard for your youthful age and your own sake, since you have rather been the cause of profit to us than of reputation to yourself. If two talents of silver are paid me down, reckoned in my hand, this night will I grant you for nothing, as a present, by reason of my respect for you.
1.3.195
What if I haven’t it?
1.3.195b
I’ll believe that you haven’t it—still, she shall go to another.
1.3.196
Where is that which I have given you already?
1.3.196b
Spent; for if it was remaining to me, the damsel should be sent to you, and I should never ask for anything. Daylight, water, the sun, the moon, the night, these things I purchase not with money; the rest, whatever we wish to enjoy, we purchase on Grecian trust.
1.3.200
When we ask bread of the baker, wine from the wineshop—if they receive the money, they give their wares; the same principle do I go upon. My hands always have eyes in them; they believe what they see. There’s an old saying, trusting is good for nought; you know whose it is—I say no more.
1.3.204
Now I’m clean stripped, you tell me another tale;
1.3.205
a very different one, I say, you give me now from formerly, when I was making presents; a different one from formerly, when with kindness and good words you used to entice me to your house. Then did your house even smile upon me, when I used to come to you. You used to say that I alone of all loved you and her. When I had given anything, just like the young ones of a pigeon were you both upon my lips;
1.3.210
and all your likings were according to my own liking. You always kept close to me; whatever I requested, whatever I wished, you used to do; what I didn’t wish and forbade, that, with carefulness, you used to avoid, nor did you first venture to attempt to do it. Now, you jades, you don’t much care either what I do wish or what I don’t wish.
1.3.215
Don’t you know? This calling of ours is very like that of the fowler. The fowler, when he has prepared the spot, sprinkles the food about. The birds are accustomed to the spot. ’Tis necessary for him to make an outlay, who seeks for gain. They eat often; if they are caught once, they reimburse the fowler.
1.3.219_220
So in like manner here with us. Our house is the spot, I am the fowler, the courtesan is the food, the couch is the decoy, the lovers the birds. By kindly welcoming them, by addressing them courteously, by dallying, and by chattering over the wine, and amusing conversation, they are won. If one of them has touched her bosom, that is not without advantage to the fowler. If he has taken a kiss, him you may take without a net. That you should be forgetful of these things, you who have been schooled so long!
1.3.227
That’s your own fault, in turning away from you a scholar half instructed.
1.3.228
Come back again without hesitation, if you’ve got the pay; for the present, be off.
1.3.229
Stay, stay; don’t you hear me? Say what you think it fair that I should give you for her, that for this year she may be with no one else.
1.3.230b
What, you? Twenty minae. And on this condition: if any other person shall bring them first to me, to you—good-bye.
1.3.232
But I— There’s still something that I wish to say to you before you go.
1.3.232b
Say what you please.
1.3.233
I’m not entirely ruined yet; there’s still something more left for me to come to ruin. I have wherewithal to give you what you ask; but I’ll give it you on my own terms,
1.3.235
that you may be enabled to understand that throughout all this year she is to be at my service, and that, in the meantime, she is to admit no other man whatever to her, besides myself.
1.3.237
Why, if you choose, the male-servants that are at home, I’ll make eunuchs of. In fine, take you care and bring articles of agreement that we will be as you wish. Impose conditions upon us as you wish, and as you shall choose.
1.3.240
Do you only bring the money with you, I’ll readily put up with the rest. The doors of procurers are very like those of a custom-house officer; if you bring anything, then they are opened; if there is nothing for you to give, then the doors are not opened.
1.3.243
I’m undone, if I don’t procure these twenty minae. And really, unless I make away with this much money, I must come to destruction.
1.3.245
Now I’ll go to the Forum, and make trial with my resources, with all my endeavours. I’ll beg, I’ll earnestly entreat each friend as I see him; both good and bad am I determined to apply to, and make trial of. But if I can’t borrow it, I’ll take it up at interest, I’m resolved.
2.1.249
Upon my faith, Libanus, it really were better for you now to be waking,
2.1.250
and to be devising some plan for procuring the money. A long time has now elapsed, since you parted with your master and went to the Forum. For that end that you might devise some plan for procuring the money, there till this time of day have you been sleeping at your ease. Why don’t you away with all slothfulness from yourself, and remove all sluggishness,
2.1.255
and betake yourself again to your former dexterous ingenuity. Preserve your master; take you care, too, how you do the same that other servants are wont, who employ a clever ingenuity in cheating their master? Whence shall I get it? Whom shall I diddle out of it? Whither shall I steer this fly-boat? ’Tis settled, ’tis confirmed by auspices; on each side do the birds give good omens.
2.1.260
The woodpecker and the crow are on my right, the raven, as well, upon my left. They are persuading me to it: i’ faith, I’m resolved to follow your advice. (Starts and listens.) But what means this, that the woodpecker is tapping the elm-tree? That’s not for nothing. Troth, for certain, so far as I can gather omens from augury, the rods are in readiness for my own back, or for Saurea the chamberlain.
2.1.265
But what means this that Leonida is running this way out of breath? I fear that this bodes ill for my trumped-up schemes
2.2.267
Where now shall I find Libanus, or my master’s son, that I may make them more mirthful than is Mirth herself? Great booty and a triumph do I bring them on my arrival.
2.2.270
Inasmuch as together with me they drink, together with me they are wont to wench, why, this booty that I’ve got, together with them will I share it.
2.2.272
This fellow has been robbing a house, if he has been acting after his usual manner. Woe to the person that has so carelessly kept the door!
2.2.274
I could be ready to be a slave for an age, if I could only meet with Libanus.
2.2.275
I’ faith, with my assistance, indeed, you shall never be free a bit the sooner.
2.2.276
I’d give two hundred teeming lashes on my back as well.
2.2.277
He’s giving away all his substance, for he carries his treasures on his back.
2.2.278
But if time should intervene upon this opportunity, never, upon my faith, will he hereafter obtain it again, even with white horses.
2.2.280
He’ll be deserting his master in the siege; he’ll be increasing the courage of the foe. But if with me he is desirous to seize hold upon this opportunity which has presented itself, very great bounties brimful of joyousness, will he, together with myself, be producing for his masters, both for the son and the father. So that, for life, they will be indebted to us both,
2.2.285
bound by our services.
2.2.285b
He’s talking of persons being bound, I don’t know who. I don’t like it; I fear for us in common, lest he may have been cheating in some cheatery.
2.2.287
I’m utterly undone, unless I find Libanus at once, wherever in the world he is.
2.2.288
This fellow’s looking out for an accomplice, to unite with himself in a bad design. I don’t like it: ’tis a portentous sign that instant, when a person trembles that sweats.
2.2.290
But why, as I hasten, do I loiter here with my feet, and make myself so bounteous with my tongue? Why don’t I bid it be quiet, that in its talkativeness is wearing out the day?
2.2.292
Upon my faith, an unfortunate man, to check his patroness; for if he has done anything roguishly, his tongue perjures itself in his behalf.
2.2.294
I’ll make haste, lest I should be providing a safe keeping for my spoil too late.
2.2.295
What spoil is this? I’ll go meet him, and enquire what it is. (He accosts him.) I wish you health in as loud a voice as my strength admits of.
2.2.297
Exerciser of the whip, health to you.
2.2.297b
Keeper of the gaol, how do you do?
2.2.298
Ha! colonizer of the chains.
2.2.298b
Ha! delight of the scourges.
2.2.299
When naked, how many pounds do you say you are in weight?
2.2.299b
Upon my faith, I don’t know.
2.2.300
I know that you don’t know; but, i’ faith, I who have weighed you do know. Tied up naked, you were a hundred pounds in weight, when you were hanging with your feet downwards.
2.2.302
On what evidence is that?
2.2.302b
I’ll tell you on what evidence, and in what way. When you are tied up with a full hundred pounds to your feet, when the manacles are fastened to your hands, and tied to the beam,
2.2.305
you are weighing neither more nor less, than as being a worthless and good-for-nothing fellow.
2.2.306
Woe be to you!
2.2.306b
That, Servitude bequeaths to you by her will.
2.2.307
I wish this skirmishing of words to be cut short. What matter is this?
2.2.308b
Am I sure in trusting you?
2.2.308c
You may, without hesitation.
2.2.309
If you wish to assist our master’s son in his amour,
2.2.310
there is so much of a good opportunity on a sudden, but still mingled with evil—all the hangman’s days will be rendered famous by ourselves. Libanus, now have we occasion to find some boldness and inventiveness. An exploit so great have I thought of just now, that we two may be pronounced the most deserving of all for torture to befall us.
2.2.315
’Twas on that account I was wondering why my shoulder-blades were aching just now, which were beginning to prognosticate that there was some danger for them at home. Whatever it is, speak out.
2.2.317b
’Tis great booty with great risk.
2.2.318
If indeed all persons by compact were to collect all the tortures, I have, I fancy, a back at home, so that I need not seek it out of doors.
2.2.320
If you maintain such firmness of resolve, then we are all right.
2.2.321
Why, if the matter were to be atoned for by my back, I could wish to seize the public money: I’ll persist in my denial, and I’ll endure all; in fine, I’ll forswear myself.
2.2.323
Ah! that’s true valour, when occasion is, for one to endure misfortune with boldness. He that endures misfortune with boldness, that man afterwards enjoys good fortune.
2.2.325
Why don’t you tell the matter at once? I’m longing to tempt the scourge.
2.2.326
Ask deliberately each particular then, that I may rest me. Don’t you see that I’m still out of breath with running?
2.2.327b
Well, well, I’ll wait your pleasure, even, in fact, till you die.
2.2.328b
Where’s our master, pray?
2.2.329
The old one is at the Forum, the young one is here in-doors.
2.2.329b
That’s enough for me then.
2.2.330
Is it then that you’ve become a rich man?
2.2.330b
Leave off your raillery.
2.2.331
I’ll have done; for my ears are in expectation of what you are bringing me.
2.2.332
Give your attention, that equally with myself you may learn this.
2.2.332b
I’m silent, then.
2.2.332c
You oblige me. Don’t you remember that our chamberlain sold some Arcadian asses to a dealer of Pella?
2.2.334_335b
I remember it; after that, what then?
2.2.336
Well, he has sent some money here then to be paid to Saurea, for the asses; a young man has just now come who has brought this money.
2.2.338
Where is this person?
2.2.338b
You think he ought to be devoured this instant, if you could see him.
2.2.339
Aye, to be sure. But, however, you are speaking, I suppose, of those asses,
2.2.340
aged and lame, whose hoofs were quite worn away to their very thighs?
2.2.341
Those same ones, that carried the elm twigs hither from the country, for your use.
2.2.342
I understand you; and the same ones carried you from here, bound, into the country.
2.2.342b
You say what’s quite correct. But as I was sitting in the barber’s shop, he began to make enquiries of me, whether I knew a certain Demaenetus, the son of Strato.
2.2.345
At once I said that I knew him, and that I was his servant; and I pointed out our house.

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